The "What if?" Game

What if I had stayed together with Jeff (the guy who I dated for a year, then went to Texas for exchange the year I met Q)? Would I have stayed in geology? Would I have had the guts to try for my engineering degree? Would I now have three kids? (Not that they could be nearly as wonderful as my two!) Jeff was a TV couch potato, not a bookworm (or a computer geek); how would that have influenced our relationship? Would I be divorced by now because he couldn't accept that I was (book) smarter than him? That I wasn't his ideal (short, blonde, big chested - one out of three ain't bad, right?)?

What if I had decided to go to Washington State University? I wouldn't have met Q at all. I probably would have majored in forestry (my first major was natural resources management, then it switched to geology, then I added geological engineering), and I probably would have stayed in better contact with friends from high school. BUT then I would have been closer to John the stalker. The guy who wouldn't take no for an answer, and who I should have filed a restraining order against. The guy who was convinced that I would marry him, not mind that he liked to hit the wall next to my head (OK, so he only did it once, but that's once too often for me), and have his babies (the first would be a boy, and would never even think about being gay; the next would be a girl, who could be a lesbian, but he would rather she wasn't - it's strange the things I remember). However, I would have been physically closer to my cousins, who went to WSU, as well as physically closer to my family. Would I have stayed with one of my high school boy friends?

What if I was still working full time? Would I be a better parent? Would I be floundering in guilt that I wasn't able to raise my children? Would I look forward to the kids' bedtimes as much as I currently do? I don't know if I'd be more patient - Mondays are hard for me already, and I only work about 6 hours (a long lunch break for nursing Gretchen). Would I instead be pulling my hair out and crying every night?

What if Q hadn't looked at me twice? I was fortunate that he was at the end of a souring relationship when I met him. Oh, and I was dating Jeff, who was on exchange in Texas, who would only call me when he was drunk (we had both just turned 21). But if Q's girl friend hadn't been a flake, or if they'd had a better relationship, would I have had a chance of winning his affection?

Lots of "what if's" out there. How different would our nation - heck, our world! - be if Bush hadn't been elected president? Either election. What if most Americans bothered to think for themselves instead of what was spoon fed to them through their church and the media? What if the Romans hadn't turned Christian? Would we have a space station on Mars by now if technology and science hadn't been heresy?

I'm feeling contemplative tonight. Toki's diary post started me thinking about the decisions I have made (or ignored) through my adult life. Most of my adult life has been spent with Q as a partner. (Scary, isn't it?) He's my best friend - I can talk to him about any thing, although there are certain (mostly female) subjects that he really doesn't care to listen to. Yes, I often make him listen anyways.

What in your life makes you go "huh?"